Thursday, October 09, 2008

Post Yom Kippur ramble

Yom Kippur is over and I pray that you all had a very meaningful fast. I am grateful to be able to tell you that I did, although I worked very hard for it. Kol nidre always sets my mind and heart reeling and I honestly could not tell you why. I have no absolute thought pattern going on, I just get this awesome anxiety that comes over me. I really tried very hard to be into very moment and read the prayers in English regardless of if I knew them in Hebrew. Let's be honest, rattling through a bunch of 'al chets' just doesn't mean as much or hit home as hard as 'For the sin of tale bearing' etc, does. I mean that just gets me every time. 'Yeah, did that, crud did that too, ouch...' I feel so awful and truly want to do better. I think it is a pretty good moral inventory, so no matter where you are holding there is always room for marked improvement.

Where my working hard came in was not allowing negativity and worry to take over. There are some things happening in my life that could have me very nervous if not downright frightened if I let them. But I keep fighting that, knowing that worry is praying in the negative. All during the services if I allowed my focus to drop, worry would come scampering in like a pesky rodent trying to get me to focus on it. I fought and fought and made it through each of the services. During the break it came back again and again I fought. Actually, I don't know if fighting is the right word, more like I refocused my attention. Yes, this is a better description.

I don't know if it was me but it sure seemed to me that there were alot more folks really into the davening this year. The energy felt higher, felt more intense. I don't know what was different about this year but it surely seemed that way and it was good. I pray that all of that kavana, all of the earnestness of prayer reached the portals of Heaven and we will see a real shift in the cosmos.

It's so amazing to me the ease of the fast itself too. Again I don't know if it's the kedusha of the day or what but I was not even hungry the whole day. The worse I felt was a heavy head and mostly I was tired. I did take a break during shacharit and sat outside in the lobby just reading prayers and having some one on one with the One. This too was very good.

I am grateful to have my whole family together with me during the chaggim. It is the first time in three years. I have come to a point to mark these moments and not take them for granted. I focus on the good and am grateful for each moment.

Well, I guess I am done rambling for now. Thanks for letting me share. Again, I hope you also had a meaningful day and that you and yours and me and mine are all sealed for blessing in all ways this year. That we are blessed with excellent health, parnasa, hatzlacha, simcha and much shalom. May our tefillot rise to shamayim and bring about the change in the universe and in this world that we all truly need. Blessings and peace to us all.

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