Wednesday, October 01, 2008

My Rosh Hashana

5769 is here and as I said before I pray that it is a year filled with blessing and good things. I think the hardest thing for me this year was to watch and guard my thoughts. Negativity is such an easy habit to acquire and not such an easy one to lay down. As I observed my thoughts, I was amazed at how they would wander ever so subtlety to the negative side. I purposed in my heart not to allow that and it was no easy task. I attended services at a local Sephardi minyan both days and I really enjoyed being there. It felt very much like being with family and it was a good way to start the year. On top of that I was able to focus my tefillot (prayers) and try to have some kavanah (intention). Truth be told I was shocked when at a seemingly random time I found myself sobbing. Sometimes my own emotions shock me, they really do. I have felt so empty inside that to find tears streaming down my face, particularly during the service, startled me. I chose not to stop myself and allowed my heart to have it's way. I only hope that this is a sign of hope and and my heart will heal.

The first day I was particularly exhausted so fortunately my family and I had a lunch invitation. I was able to relax as far as the meal went and spent some lovely time with good friends and their families. It was particularly fun because two mommies I was doula for were there with their babies so I had a chance to reconnect with them. All of the children were delightfully distracting and their joy comforted me. I was even able to play a bit in spite of my immense over tiredness. Another of the great blessings of being there was having the opportunity to spend time with three dear sisters, two of which are Breslov and the other a dear Chabadnik friend. Seems silly I know to label them like that, but being a struggling talmidah of Rebbe Nachman it was good to have them there and gain a bit of chizuk from them. Mind you, we had no great chasidic debates, just simple conversations and encouraging stories about our respective Rebbes and others. It was good and very gentle. If this is an indication of what my year will be, then I look forward to the peace, comfort, and b'ezrat Hashem healing, that will come.

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