Hi, my name is Philly and I am a ________.

Or "Now that I've untied these things, NOW what do I do?!"

So this week finds me with an unusually empty home. Well, not completely, the dog and the husband are here, but my children are not. Both my daughters are with their grandmother visiting this week. Actually, my oldest daughter has been there all summer helping her grandmother out after her hip replacement surgery. (BTW, she is doing very well thank you!) My youngest needed a change of pace and a break from the day to day she is happily spending the week reading to her heart's content. Me? Well, I am not sure. Sunday was a bit sad for me, that is when they left. I had such a hallowness in my chest, but I kept trying to shake it off telling myself I would be fine. I know this probably seems very silly to all of you. I mean, should'nt I be doing the 'woohoo kids out of the house' happy dance. Not my style guys, sorry. But I knwo I also shouldn't fall into despair because of it. So, I am going to the wise thing and keep myself busy. I started off Sunday going to a drum workshop, which BTW was excellent and oh so much fun. I came home and made a lovely but simple dinner for my husband and I. (Spinach and tomato salad topped with veggie burger strips and homemade yogurt dressing, yumm!) Yesterday I came home from work and just kinda wandered about. Today I am setting up a game plan for the rest of the week. I really want this week to be productive and happy! So here goes!

So far my plans are to:

1. Clean (really clean) my home
2. Organize my bedroom
3. Finish my weaving
4. Restring my mandolin
5. Make a wish list for school next year
6. Clean out fridge
7. Weed garden
8. Make several tinctures (lavender and lemon balm)
9. Read
10. Meditate

These are not in order of importance but rather what came to mind first. Notice the take care of myself items came up at the end of my thought process. I am sure that is not surprising because we woman do tend to do that.

I suppose that is what all this is about. As my children have grown up and have moved out on their own, I need to re-identify myself. I have been their mother for 25 years now. From the moment I conceived my son there has been nothing else that has consumed my thoughts as much as being a mother has. I understand I will always be their mother, but they no longer need me and I no longer can (nor do I want to) serve them in the same capacity. They need me now in such different and sometimes even deeper ways. I really do like our new relationships. We are developing a more companion sort of relationship. We speak on different levels, sometimes more openly, sometimes not. (I will always be Mommy after all and there are just some things you do not share with your mother ;-) ) But for sure it is a deeper and mutually respectful relationship. I really like the adults my children have become. They are moral, ethical and upright people. I like that they think for themselves, although they may find that hard to believe. (Hey, I've got my opinions too!) For the most part I am getting used to this 'Brave New World', I just have not quite figured out what to do with me yet.

So, let's say this week is my initiation into me finding what my next phase of life will be. I know my mind and heart is full of many seeds of possibility. I suppose that now the time has come to plant them and see what begins to sprout. Just imagine what this garden will look like!

Maybe the Village Wise Woman will emerge after all...



Note: Picture is from my dear friend 'Not Quite June Cleaver'. If you click link or the picture you will redirected to her wonderful site!

Encouragement for Your Day

I found myself responding to a post elsewhere and realized that, as usual, the medicine that flowed from my 'pen' and intended for another, was indeed meant just as much for me. I thought I would share this with you too, perhaps it is just the medicine you need to strengthen you throughout your day.

"Dearest, how many of us have shared this pain and had these exact thoughts. It seems to be the plight of the human existence. Expectations tend to lead to disappointment and yet, how can we not hope have expectations. It is what wakes us in the morning and drives us through our day. Voices call out to us from the past, voices that urge us to move forward and to go on. On the wall in my room is a voice, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined." (Henry David Thoreau). Another voice tells me to "be the change I want to see in the world." (Ghandi). And lastly, another comforts and urges me in one full breath by reminding me "All beginnings are hard, because you need to swing things around from one direction to the very opposite. But once you have made a start, you will soon become accustomed to your new direction and it will no longer be so difficult. Therefore you must marshal all your strength and steel yourself to make an energetic start." (Rebbe Nachman)
Know, that no matter how you feel, there are those who love you dearly and within this love is where you must find the energy to move and continue on. You are correct, you either make an impact or you don't. Do not underestimate the power of the sleepless night. It is when the mysteries of the Universe reveal themselves. Do not underestimate the power of a pebble thrown in the river, or the flap of a butterfly's wings, tidal waves and tornadoes have been the result of such seeming trivialities. You are doing it, you are accomplishing. Right now you are resting, recharging and learning. Although they feel passive and even sad, they will empower you to move forward and with even greater light. Step by step, you will make it. You were meant to shine, and although I am not sure of a whole lot in my life, of this one thing I am most certainly sure."

While Crossing the Narrow Bridge...

... I met up with an old and unfortunately faithful companion. His name is Fear. I do not really like Fear very much, although admittedly at times he can be a very good friend. In fact there have been several occasions that he really kept me from making huge mistakes or getting very hurt. But unfortunately, more often than not, he has prevented me from traveling forward on the bridge. He is not too interested in me progressing. He tends to get attached to a situation or a place insisting that danger or pain lurk further along. Sometimes he has blocked my way, bullying me into submission. Other times he wants me to just stay put with him, immobilized in his dark and warm embrace. I even remember once he tried to convince me that the bridge was probably out, in utter disrepair further along and I would end up falling into the abyss below, so why risk it. He always appears to be so large and so much stronger than me.

This time and on this particular stint of the journey, as I am crossing the narrow bridge, I decided to try to shove Fear out of the way. It took much of my strength and has taken some time, but I finally got past him. Strangely enough, once you really take a look at the bastard, he's not so big at all.

Vayeishev

Darkness over powers me, shrouding me in confusion,
so thick I struggle to catch my breath.
There is no light.

I lift my hand, straining to see it's outline,
It seems I have been swallowed,
Swallowed whole into a pit.

I try to walk forward
but the dark dream has shackled my legs...
and my heart.

The silence screams at me,
and the voices mock me.
I look and look and find not even a shadow.

I sink to the ground and I weep.
My tears sting my eyes,
and the darkness places a blanket of despair upon me.

Opening my swollen and bitter eyes,
I see a pin prick of light.
A single tiny spark, perhaps a flame...

Burning, burning in the distance.
I reach out, but cannot stand.
My legs will not hold me.

I begin to crawl,
to crawl to the light.
How ever faint it or I may be.

by: Philly Farmgirl

Darkest Before Dawn

You know, as I am writing this I just thought to myself, how appropriate the title is, my mother's name was Dawn. I hadn't intended to write about my mother but since I am here I think I shall.

I wasn't born from my mother, my birth mother died in a fatal car accident when I was 5 months old. She was on her way to pick me up from my grandmother's home. I always seem to feel this echo of pain when I think of her. I mean I never really knew her, and don't even know much about her. I have heard all the family myths* about her and I choose to believe everyone of them. My first real memory is of my mother, Dawn. I was only two years old and I was taking a bath. Not so many years ago I shared this memory with my mother and she told me then, that was the very first time we had actually met. She was surprised I remembered this moment so clearly. I told her I remembered looking up from the tub where I was playing and I remembered calling her 'Mommy'. The adults who were there, my grandmother and aunts, were quite shocked at my declaration. But I knew her, I knew who she was. Before her, I knew my heart must have been waiting for her to come. Someone once told me that Carmen, my first mother, had picked her out for me from the other side. She knew she would care for her daughter. I choose to believe this too.

I cannot imagine what my life would have been without her. I know I would not be the woman I am now. I know not how dark my life was prior to her entering it, but I know how it is without her here. She brought light and love to my life. She raised me as her own, I did not even know she did not birth me until I was almost 10 years old. She is the only mother I have ever known.

I have been thinking alot about dear Moshe Holtzberg, who's parents were murdered last week in Mumbai, India. I think about how he clings desperately to his beloved Nanny. My heart breaks for him. My prayer is that someone will rise up and love him as a mother. This is no easy task, to give of yourself in this way, but I know it is possible. I know that all of Chabad will care for him, and that he has his grandparents and extended family to help nurture him, but beyond that this precious one needs a mother. I pray she finds him.

Even in the light of day, the world can seem like a very dark place. "It is always darkest before the dawn." These are supposed to be words of encouragement to get us through the troubling and frightening times. The days are growing shorter and colder, and the nights longer and darker. We are soon coming to the time when there will very little daylight and very long nights. In the midst of that darkness we will light a lone candle on a lamp stand. As each day gets darker we anticipate the menorah and it's lit branches. We anticipate the light. We wait for the joy that comes with dawn.

In one of my mother's craft containers I found several boxes of Chanukah's candles, candles that she bought for the menorah I gave her as a gift many years ago. This year I will be the one lighting the menorah and I will probably cry each time I do. I miss my beloved mother, both of them. I will think of the light of life and love they both gave me. I will feel the darkness of the empty place that has been left in my life. As each candle is added, and the light of the menorah and each day grows brighter I will look to the dawn and I will hope. I will have hope for my life and the lives of my beloved children. I will have hope for the life of dear Moshele.

I will also have hope that all people and the world we live in will someday live in peace. I will hope for the day when we 'beat our swords into ploughshares' and love will truly be all we need. I will have the hope that a single candle will indeed banish the darkness and all of us, every man, woman and child will walk in the joy and freedom of the Light.



* I use the term myth with no disrespect intended at all to my mother who gave me life. The way I am using this word is in the context of 'sacred story telling and memories'. Whether they are absolute truth or idealized interpretations of my mother matters not to me. She enabled me to come to earth. She nursed me and dearly loved me. Of this I am sure. She lost her life, perhaps, even because of her love for me. I choose to believe every sacred story I have ever heard about her, for I have no real memory, only the echoes of her love and my echo of loss.

Tears, tears and more tears

I think that I have become a professional crier. Seems I have become quite good at it and do it an awful lot. Most times I cry because I miss my mother so much, today was 6 months since she passed. I guess that is to be expected and is normal. Lately though I cry over things I no longer have control of. Maybe I never did. It's hard to let go. To let go of dreams, let go of memories, let go of plans, let go of who I was. They say, "Man plans and G-d laughs." Doesn't seem very nice if you ask me, but who I am to question right? Hmmmm...not really sure how to answer that one. Someone told me recently that the Rebbe of Lubavitch said we could make demands of G-d. Demands, eh? Yep, sounds about right to me. Maybe now is the time to pray in a different way. Maybe I need to set forth a few demands and hold Him to some promises I read He made me. Maybe, just maybe, the tears will end and turn to joy.

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Hear my prayer, O Lord, listen to my cry; do not be silent to my tears, for I am a stranger with You, a sojourner like all my forefathers. Tehillim 39:13

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You have counted my wanderings; place my tears in Your flask-are they not in Your record? Tehillim 56:9

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My soul thirsts for G-d, for the living G-d, "When shall I come and appear before G-d?" For me my tears were sustenance day and night, when [they] say to me all day long, "Where is your G-d?" Tehillim 42:3-4

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“How very good it is, when you can awaken your heart and plead until tears stream from your eyes, and you stand like a little child crying before its father.”

“Speak to G-d and understand your purpose in life. Think about yourself and beg for God to help you find Him."

"The main time King David secluded himself with God was at night, under his covers in bed. Hidden from the sight of all others, he would pour his heart out before God. This is the meaning of the verse; 'I speak every night on my bed in tears (Tehillim: 6:7).'"

Happy is he who follows this for it is above all else” (Rabbi Nachman’s Wisdom # 68).

My Rosh Hashana

5769 is here and as I said before I pray that it is a year filled with blessing and good things. I think the hardest thing for me this year was to watch and guard my thoughts. Negativity is such an easy habit to acquire and not such an easy one to lay down. As I observed my thoughts, I was amazed at how they would wander ever so subtlety to the negative side. I purposed in my heart not to allow that and it was no easy task. I attended services at a local Sephardi minyan both days and I really enjoyed being there. It felt very much like being with family and it was a good way to start the year. On top of that I was able to focus my tefillot (prayers) and try to have some kavanah (intention). Truth be told I was shocked when at a seemingly random time I found myself sobbing. Sometimes my own emotions shock me, they really do. I have felt so empty inside that to find tears streaming down my face, particularly during the service, startled me. I chose not to stop myself and allowed my heart to have it's way. I only hope that this is a sign of hope and and my heart will heal.

The first day I was particularly exhausted so fortunately my family and I had a lunch invitation. I was able to relax as far as the meal went and spent some lovely time with good friends and their families. It was particularly fun because two mommies I was doula for were there with their babies so I had a chance to reconnect with them. All of the children were delightfully distracting and their joy comforted me. I was even able to play a bit in spite of my immense over tiredness. Another of the great blessings of being there was having the opportunity to spend time with three dear sisters, two of which are Breslov and the other a dear Chabadnik friend. Seems silly I know to label them like that, but being a struggling talmidah of Rebbe Nachman it was good to have them there and gain a bit of chizuk from them. Mind you, we had no great chasidic debates, just simple conversations and encouraging stories about our respective Rebbes and others. It was good and very gentle. If this is an indication of what my year will be, then I look forward to the peace, comfort, and b'ezrat Hashem healing, that will come.

The supermarket and a song

I am not a big cereal purchaser, they are too expensive and too sugar filled.I do make exception once a week though and try to have it in my home for shabbat. It is a special and easy treat we all enjoy. So, there I am in the cereal section of the grocery store minding my own business and trying to find something that is yummy and not so sugared filled for my family to enjoy. I finally lay my hand on one that looks good, is organic and on sale ta-boot when all of a sudden over the intercom comes the song 'Johnny Angel' and I start bawling my eyes out. It was my mother's song to my step-dad.

Sadness really sneaks up on you doesn't it...just when you are not looking, BAM, right upside the head with a song.

I miss my mommy so much.

Dark Moon

Did you ever notice my moon phases there on the right? I love watching the moon, watching as it waxes and wanes. The passage of time feels more obvious and gentle to me as I observe the coming and going of each new month. I just looked at it today and sure enough there is little moon outside. The new moon is coming! But this is no regular new moon, this is the last moon of the year and the new moon that will be birthed this coming Monday night is the first of the new year.

New year, new time, new everything.

As I think of of the blackness of the moon I would like to imagine this year and all it's pain and confusion being buried within it's darkness. It's been a hard year for me all the way around, physically, spriritually, emotionally, financially. It has been very hard and I am pleased to bid it adieu, never to be seen again. I feel hopeful that this year will be better, a year that will bring healing and peace again.

Yes, the dark moon brings me comfort with it's blackness. I wish to also be concealed, even buried within it's womb-like darkness and be reborn with it's first cresent. I hope that with each phase of it's rebirth that I too am born again to hope and love, that I see the good again and find peace. I pray to grow again into fullness and brightness, reflecting that which is good and beautiful.

It is my prayer for the new year. It is my prayer for me and it is my prayer for you.

Letting go and Letting G-d parent my adult children

Yippee! My daughter is back home again after two weeks in Eretz Israel. Needless to say I am so happy. I missed her so much. I know it was only two weeks but it felt much longer to me.

You see, this twenty year old woman I had the privilege of birthing is not just my daughter, she is my friend. I realized how she has become so much of a friend to me while she was gone. It amazes me. Talk about beyond your wildest dreams! She is so much a part of everything I do and am, and yet she is very much her own person. That is the part that is not always so easy.

Parenting adults, I am convinced, is far harder than parenting the little ones. When they were little it seemed fairly obvious what my role was and what I was supposed to do. Guide them, protect them, feed and nurture them. Although these tasks were not always walks in the park for me, it was simple and clear cut as to what was expected of me as a parent.

Now that they are adults it does not seem so clear. For me it has been a struggle to strike a balance of respect for their person hood and knowing when to speak and knowing when to shut up. Yep, that shutting up is a toughie. Allowing her the space and trusting her is just downright frightening to me. Yes, I know she is capable and competent etc., but my own experiences scream out at me to say something! But you see, that is the problem. They are MY experiences not hers. I made some other than wise decisions in my life when I was her age. She on the other hand has a self worth and faith that I never had at that age that enables her to make such good decisions. Decisions that blow me away! She has a head on her shoulders that I never had. What can you say to that except, Baruch Hashem, Praise G-d!

And then there is the issue of emunah, absolute faith, in G-d. Knowing that He is far better able to guide her than I ever will be. That He loves her more than I do, and that He has her best interests more at heart than I do. It's a struggle for me, but a struggle in vain. What I mean to say is, why do I struggle? It is just more growing pains, but more for me than anyone. As I let her grow, I too will grow. To be sure, this time sure keeps me praying. What choice do I have? I could keep trying to control, but the only one I can control is me. I could continue to struggle and fight but I am fighting with no one but myself.

I know I am still needed and necessary, but in a far different way. She still needs me to guide, protect, feed and and nurture her but in a deeper and not so obvious way. The trick is in figuring this out, and since I am just starting out on the leg of the journey it is a trick I have not yet mastered. So I guess the best thing for me to do is to 'let go and let G-d', which is a decision that is not easy because, well, I am me after all, but it is the one that will not only benefit me, but everyone I love too.

Wish me luck!

Where I am holding

The silent scream

You can shout and scream with a “still, small voice” without anybody hearing you. Everybody can do this. Imagine the sound of such a scream in your mind. Imagine the shout exactly as it would sound. Concentrate on hearing the scream in your mind until you are literally screaming with this soundless “still, small voice” – and nobody else will hear anything.

This is actually a scream and not mere imagination. Just as there are channels that bring the sound from your lungs to your lips, so there are nerves that bring the sound to the brain. You can draw the sound through these nerves, literally bringing it into your head. When you do this, you are actually shouting inside your brain.

When you imagine this scream in your mind, the sound actually rings inside your brain. You can stand in a crowd of people screaming this way and no- one hears you.

It could be that when you do this, a faint sound may escape your mouth. This is because the sound traveling through the nerves to the brain can also activate the vocal organs, and they may then produce some sound. But it will be very faint.

It is much easier to shout in this way without words. When you wish to express yourself in words, it is harder to hold the voice in the mind without letting a sound escape your lips. Without words, it is much easier.

Sichot Haran #16

Do me a favor...

Before you make the phone call, pray.
Before you speak the words, pray.
Before you make a judgement, pray.
Before you feel the 'need' to say anything, pray.

...and then, pray some more.

Everytime he comes home...

He cleans his room.
Nice, right? Good boy, right?
Right???
WRONG!!!

Everytime he cleans his room he throws things out.
He throws out things HE no longer needs.
Things he is no longer interested in.
Things that, as an adult are of no use to him.
Things that have memories...

for me.

Memories of a baby asleep in my arms.
Memories of a child who took his teddy bear everywhere.
Memories of a boy who collected bears and yo-yos.
memories of a teen who loved to skateboard and Bruce Lee.
Memories of a young man...
Memories of a young man who no longer is that baby...
that child...
that boy..
that teen...
The young man is grown man now,

and...

and I am so proud.

but, the truth is...

that man will forever remain...
the baby in my arms,
the child with the bear,
the boy practicing 'around the world' and 'rock the baby',
the teen who strove for the ultimate ollie and carried wax around with him.

and the man,
who works so late,
prays so early,
who loves Hashem,
and studies His Torah,
who never gives up,
and looks for the best,
the son of my womb,
and the pride of my heart.

Blog, Blog, Blog

I have been blogging like crazy, especially since I have two other blogs to keep up with. I think I need to slow down, but it has been an outlet for me. I know why I am blogging so much. It is my escape from reality. I figure if I just keep busying myself, talking about this and that, I will not feel my sadness.
I feel so dumb feeling so sad about such a good thing. This is wonderful for my daughter. Opportunity of a lifetime and all that stuff!
So, instead of letting myself feel, I blog. I guess I will soon need 'bloggers anonymous'.
I am a mother though. I am allowed to feel this way, aren't I? I don't have to always be so strong, do I?
I won't allow myself a cry, not today. Today I want to rejoice with my daughter. Today I want to tell her she is going to have such a wonderful time in Tsfat. Today I will tell her not to be afraid of not making friends, fuhgetabout it! You will make all kinds of friends and have so much fun! I will tell her about all the torah she will learn and bring home to me. I will tell her that the time will fly and how wonderful it will be to see her brother again! Today I will be strong. I know she will miss us all as much as we will her, but we all know this is so good.

Sunday afternoon may be another story. At least until I get home from the airport and I pull it all together for my youngest again.

Y'know, motherhood is not for the faint of heart.

Rainy days and Mondays...

Do you remember that song? Well, I can tell you Karen and I totally understand each other and I am not ashamed to tell you that today is one of those days. I am not having a good time of it and this rain is not helping me at all. You know in less ten days my beloved eldest daughter Racheli will be joining her brother in Israel for a six month program. She won't actually be in Jerusalem, she will be in the northern part of Israel in Tzfat. Very holy place, but I suppose all of Israel is. She will studying at a girl's seminary and it is a very good thing. I know this. If it was me I would want to go too! I know this is an INCREDIBLE opportunity for her. I know that this is G-d's will for her as He has provided all the finances, etc., for her. We could never afford to send her or Ya'akov for that matter but their Father can! I know that this is the best for her and that she will grow in her love of Hashem and Torah. I know, I know, I know! What I do not know is how in the world I am going to breathe when she leaves. This just seems so much harder than Ya'akov. And that to me was the WORST! She is my best friend and my right hand. What am I going to do without her here?

Listen, I know I will survive. I know I will breathe. But I tell you, I just don't know how. I know Hashem will give me strength...I am just scared of this change. She is much braver than I. But brave I must be too, for her, for my youngest still at home, and for myself. I know somehow I will get through this, but I need to talk about this. I think some of you must understand how I feel. Support dear ones, support is what I need and I am not ashamed to tell you. It is not like me to reach out. I am a very private person, but this is very painful, and I am trying to keep it together for her sake. I do not want her to see her Imma upset. So here I am. A very blessed mother indeed, but awful sad right now.