Friday, October 20, 2006

On the edge of the unknown

Emotions run rampant sometimes and I feel them so deeply I think I may drown. No matter how hard I try to remain 'detached' I still feel the deep pain of uncertainty. But this is the sacrifice of love. The command to love another human being is a deep sacrifice and one that I do not think you can detach yourself from. What do I do? Hashem has given me a neshama to love, one that I did not birth, but I seem to need to treat as if I did. Nurturing does come easy to me, I am a professional Mommy after all. I was so blessed when the little one's baby-sitter told me the other day how he is saying his prayers, he says Shema, he says AMEN! I cried with all the emotions that joy afforded me. Baruch Hashem, something has been planted in the garden of his neshama and it is taking root and it is beginning to grow. But oh, such a fragile plant, so delicate that I fear a storm or neglect would stunt it's growth. But what can I do? Hashem's ultimate will, will be done. I am trying to practice letting go. Do I have a choice? Did I ever? I simply did what Hashem put before me to do. I may cry and have pain but I do know I tried to please my Father in the task that he laid before me. Let go and let G-d. That is what they say. What the next days, weeks, etc., hold I know not. I do not know how much longer I will have this 'job.' I feel the end coming and it is hard letting go. Not a wrenching feeling but one that requires huge emunah on my part. I must trust that Hashem will care for the neshama and do what is best for him. Silly isn't it? Aren't I implying that onlyI can care for him best? Only Hashem knows what is best. Whatever Hashem does is for my good, for the good of the little one, for the good of his mother. Hashem is good and does good, no matter how painful or confusing it is, it is for the best. When he came to us I felt the room spin, I truly thought I was going to faint, it happened all so suddenly. Now that the end seems to be coming...well, I just don't know. Isn't that the way it always is? We just don't know. All we can do is trust. I know Abba loves me, loves my amazing, self sacrificing and supportive family. They too have given thier all and have loved deeply. Hashem loves this neshama and his Mama. Ultimately all will be well. This is I believe, I know. No matter what I will trust Hashem. I will continue to do the best I can at whatever task He lays before me next and come what may, joy or pain, I will love Him because I know He loves me, His child.

No comments: