There are days and then there are DAYS. Yesterday was one of those DAYS! It started out just fine, our Hebrew School where I teach kita Gimel, had a small party. They came to our sukkah first where my daughters set up a lovely snack time for them. Afterwards we walked back to the shul where there was a surprise pizza party waiting for them. The children really seemed to enjoy themselves and it was a great morning. But oy vey, as the day progressed I began a slow, slippery slide out of control in a downward spiral. I didn't see it coming at all. It was a such a slow chain of minor irritating events that began and ended up culminating with me locking my keys in the car at the Target parking lot. That was it! I had it and I snapped out on my girls. I was so upset and I could not believe it. Where had my serenity gone? Where was my simcha from the night before? Where was my spirituality? Where was my mind? Finally I called my beloved (who was in NJ working) as I truly had no idea of what to do next and he told me to call the police. After only twenty minutes a very nice officer showed up and unlocked my car. When I finally sat down in my unlocked car and calmed down, I cried, I apologized and asked for forgiveness of my girls (and Hashem). I could not believe I had gotten to this point. How could I have gotten so upset and angry? What happened and how could I prevent this from happening again?
It has occurred to me today that what may have happened was much like what seems to happen to many expecting and nursing Mommies I come across who do not use doulas or other support systems. They go into labor with an attitude something like, "I can do this on my own, I know what I am doing. I read a book, had a class, I feel great and I will be fine." Then when they are in the throes of labor (or even sooner) and the nursing has glitches they end up with an epidural, c-section and running to the nearest store to purchase formula. I am in no way saying that if a doula is present that these things will never occur but there is enough research to support that the use of a doula certainly lessens these occurrences.
Spiritually it can happen much the same way. There I was riding on my high from the Chaggim, thinking I had it under control and that I could do it. I was fine. As little by little things began to deteriorate before me, I never once called out for help. It never occurred to me that I needed it. I just continued in my 'labor' spiraling downward and found myself losing more and more control until blammo, I am hit upside the head! Had I just reached out my hands to Hashem, had I just taken a second to cry out for help, I believe I could have avoided this fall. What a lesson this is for me. I must always try to keep in mind that number one, Hashem and not me, is in control and all things happen for a reason and for ultimate good. Second that I need to be keenly aware that I need help and support to get through each day, even for the seemingly 'minor' happenings. And third that I cannot just ride high on energy from yesterday. If Hashem is constantly recreating the universe, that means that I constantly need to be in connection with Him, moment by moment in the present, and not think that the fuel I received yesterday is enough to go on and take me through. I need to pause and pray. I need to pause and think. I simply need...
"Just wanting to speak to God is in itself a very great thing. Even if all you can say to God is 'Help!' it is still good. Repeat this over and over again, until God opens your lips and words begin to flow from your heart." ~Rebbe Nachman
I have a question. Or three.
9 months ago