In this life a woman does a lot of waiting. She could be waiting at a doctor's office, her mechanic's, the bank, in her car, etc. A Wise Woman always has things with her that she can work on if she finds herself in a waiting room. This woman will never have idle hands. She will either be balancing her checkbook, writing lists, knitting, crocheting, quilting... you get the picture.
Now I am sorry to tell you, I am not yet one of these women. I try to be. I do often shlep something with me to work on. I may not always pull it out, but I do have it with me, just in case.
OK, so what is the point of all this.
Well, right now I am in the waiting room of Hashem's will. I have no idea what He wants me to do, why He has set me to do the tasks He has and what He wants from me. I have desires burning in my heart and sometimes I think they may consume me. I long and pine to be in the Land but the time for this is not now. I pray soon, but meanwhile I need to focus on where I am and what I am supposed to do.
The tasks Abba has given me I never asked for nor do I recall wishing for them. He literally just plopped these things in front of me and said,"Do this." There has been much joy in this journey, but there has also been a lot of hard work and not just a little pain.
I feel lost sometimes and uncomfortable in what I am doing. I don't know how I can do all that He has asked of me, and I don't know if that is even what He wants. I may not have to complete these tasks but meanwhile I still have jobs to do.
It is frustrating to not know. It is so hard to work in the dark.
That is just it, it is so dark here. Everywhere is darkness and my eyes hurt from the strain. Sometimes I am blessed with a shimmer, a spark that calls to me. I run to it and warm myself, but then...then I get called away. My tasks call me and I cannot see all that I know must be hidden there. Oh, how I cry! I just want to remain by the small fire and warm myself. I long to see what is really behind all the shadows that I find and see what is the reality. But no, I am not allowed at this moment to do so. Perhaps, I need to strain a bit more, work harder to see, but I get so tired and I want to just rest there.
Sometimes I become discouraged and content myself with the darkness and I remain still or worse yet, I flounder about in it walking aimlessly from this to that. The Tzaddik comes to me leading be back home after I inevitably crumple in a heap somewhere feeling like I am lost for good. "Do not give up, it is forbidden." He says.
I am reminded that 'wait' does not mean 'no.'
Sitting in the waiting room does not mean that nothing is getting done. In fact much is being accomplished, I just cannot see it. The darkness around me need not affect me if I take one step at a time as Hashem shines a light. It may not be the blazing light of the sun, but a small lamplight to guide me one step at a time. The treasures may not be overflowing and abundant as they are in the Land, but oh, when they are found here in the dark after digging so long and do deep they are most precious indeed.
Hashem's voice is always there wooing me home.
So I must be like the Wise Women and not allow my hands to become idle.
Hashem has given me tasks to do while I am waiting and so I shall endeavor to do my best. With His help I shall be a faithful servant child and wait a bit longer remembering that 'not now' does not mean 'no.'
I have a question. Or three.
11 months ago