Wednesday, July 05, 2006

On the Ninth of Tammuz...

...not too many years ago, a small neshama descended to the earth to a beautiful young lady and a handsome young man and became their little girl. This neshama chose this lady to be her mother even though she would only remain on the planet for another five months loving and caring for her. When her mother left this realm, the little girl would be cared for by grandparents for two and a half years. Finally a very special lady would marry the little girl's father and care for the neshama as her very own child.

Thus began my sojourn here on earth. Today is my Yom Huledet, my birthday. Since the time of my arrival I have been through a lot, just like the rest of you. I have had my share of heartbreaks and joys and I have crossed many a narrow bridge. I have seen things a child should never see, or a grown up for that manner. I have had joys that I thought I would die from because of the sheer ecstasy! I have cried tears that I was sure I would drown in because I did not think I could not stop. I have danced with my children and fallen asleep with them lying on my chest. I have felt my son's scruffy beard and wondered where the baby cheeks went. I have watched my little girls grow from wanting to be "The Little Mermaid" and "Anne of Green Gables" when they grow up, to blossoming into beautiful young ladies who burn with the love of Torah. I have been married and have been alone. I have been a single parent and have had more children in my home and helped in their upbringing than to whom I have given birth to. I have walked away from G-d, screamed at Him, bargained with Him, pleaded with Him, shook my fists at Him, told Him to leave me alone, only to run back to Him with tear filled eyes knowing He was the only one who could truly understand and help me. I have been many people and lived many places. Sometimes I think to myself there is no way I could have lived a past life, I have lived them all this time around! All in all I would have to agree with Gerry Garcia, "What a long strange trip it's been."

I know I have so much more to learn, in so many ways I still feel much like a child. Other days I feel old and tired. I have grown in gratitude and serenity. I have learned that Hashem loves me dearly and only wants what is best for me. I am beginning to learn that Hashem really does have all things under His control and really does not need my help in running the universe. I have learned that being a mother is not for cowards. I have learned that women can birth their own children, teach and raise them. I have learned that for whatever reason G-d in His wisdom gave my children to me which means I must have somewhere the capability of raising them. I have learned that there is an awful lot to learn from your children and one of the best ways to learn how to be a parent is to see how G-d raises you up, patience, loving kindness, discipline and all. I have learned children grow up and it is a wondrous thing. I have matured enough not to buy into other people's unsolicited opinions on how I raise my children, how I dress, live my life, what I eat etc. I am grateful I do not buy into people assuming the position of fortune teller in my life (i.e. wait until the children turn 13, 16, 18 etc. then you'll have trouble, chas v' shalom!) I have learned not to accept people's poison into my life or make their personal issues mine. (I have enough of my own, thank you!) I have learned to speak life and hope to others and pray they will pass it along. I am learning to accept correction, whether it is given in love or not, knowing G-d allowed it for some reason. (Even if it was to learn how not to talk to another person.) I have learned to how say I am sorry very well. I have learned to have a broken heart over my sins especially if I have hurt another by what I did. I have learned that to have a good marriage you actually have to work at it and be committed. I have learned I do not have to change my beloved nor do I want to, he is an amazing tzaddik and the perfect man for me! (Otherwise why would I have married him?) I have learned that being a Torah Jew is very hard work and it is unbelievably fulfilling and exciting. I am learning that having a relationship with G-d means fearing Him and loving Him. It also means doing what He says to do and loving all of His other children. I have learned that G-d does not wield a magic fairy wand waiting to grant your wishes. When you say you want to trust Him, He will put you in situations where you will have to learn to trust G-d. Sometimes that means closing your eyes and holding on for dear life. I have learned that the truth is 'two Jews, three opinions'. I have learned that halacha is confusing sometimes and beautiful all the time. I am learning that tefilla (prayer) is my breath, torah is my food, the mitzvot are exercises to help me grow strong and chassidut is the blood that transports all the nutrients to the different parts of my neshama. I am learning to look for G-d in everything. He really is there in the mist. I am learning to respect others the way I want to be respected, knowing they have a path that might be different from my own and my job is only to help them draw closer to Hashem and His holy Torah. I have learned I do not need to give you directions, I just need to shine the light in the darkness. I am learning to talk less and be an example more. I am learning to bloom where I am planted and to hold on tight to the Truth. I have learned that I can be no one else but who Hashem made me to be. I need not apologize for it. I have learned that it takes an awful lot of energy and that it's very hard work learning to become the Village Wise Woman. I am also learning that I still need to grow in so many ways, refining my character and becoming all that G-d has made me to be.

I have a birthday wish for you all my family, friends and the miscellaneous nice people who visit my blog, a blessing if you will receive it.
You should all have good health and long life, you should grow in torah, mitzvot and deveykut (cleaving) to Hashem. I pray those who need them find and make good shidduchim. Those who are married should fall deeper in love. Those married without children should be granted their hearts desire and those with children should raise them to torah, mitzvot and to the chuppah. That they should bring you much nachat! That you should have the parnasa that you need with some extra to give tzedakah and to get some of the fun things you want. That you should all grow from strength to strength, hastening the soon and coming geulah may it be in our day, with the coming of our righteous Moshiach, the rebuilding of the beit HaMikdash and the return of all of the exiles to our home in Eretz Israel, may it be speedily and in our time. Amen v' Amen.

Please say tehillim for Gilad ben Aviva, and may he be returned safely to his family.
Please pray that the Hakadosh Barukh Hu will not allow the 'World Pride' parade from defiling the Holy City of Jerusalem.


jenny said...

I smiled at so many things that you wrote in this post because they remind me of so many things I have said or things that HaShem is teaching me. It is a wonderful post and I wish you a late "Happy Birthday"!

I am so grieved over the situation with Gilad and the Gaza. I pray that he is returned safely and soon.

I also pray that the World Pride Day Parade would not take place in Eretz Israel at all. What an abomination to the Holy One!

FrumGirl said...

Happy Bday!

NotQuiteJuneCleaver said...

OH my dearest friend I didnt know you had a bday and I missed it. I am so sorry. So belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

You are so right about the things we go thru. I am going thru some right now. I pray I am doing right.

Bless you for you always share just what I need to read.

Philly Farmgirl said...

Jenny, Frumgirl, and Soapmaven,
Thanks so much for your birthday wishes! Belated or not they mean alot to me!


ilan said...

A Happy Birthday from Argentina!