I suppose it is due to the life changes that are happening of late, I have just been slacking the past few days. My poor flower beds are so thirsty, my house is in disarray, and I cannot seem to get my room in order. Thank G-d, it is not at a total loss but still, it is not the way I like it. I certainly have never had my home as neat as a pin (don't recall that posek in eishet chayil
You know most women my age still have little ones to keep them busy, not saying that it really makes it easier but I imagine it keeps one distracted. I have my two daughters home with me yet (well, until the older one leaves for seminary) but they are 18 and 14. In fact they are both out right now. (Hope they bring me home some Rita's water ice, kosher!) All my children are growing up and I am still pretty darn young... a little too young to be beginning empty nest. :::sigh::: I am not sad really. I was talking to a friend of mine and telling her although I miss my son so much I surely do not want him to come home until he is done. Strange isn't it? The feelings are all jumbled up there. I really want him to learn Torah and I am thrilled he is in Yerushalayim. She assures me I am normal.
I was thinking yesterday about it and to me it feels like another birthing process. I felt it so keenly when we dropped him off at JFK. On the way home I wanted to groan it felt so primal. It felt like birth. Think about it, for nine months a woman carries a baby. The child grows within her and she is content to nourish and carry him. Then the time comes when the child outgrows the mother's womb. The mother grows weary of carrying the child and both agree it is time to leave. When the actual time arrives mother is so happy! She has dreamt of this day, dreamt of holding her new baby, of seeing him grow, of watching him take his first steps, and she is prepared... or is she? As the contractions grow stronger and closer together she may being to panic. She reminds herself she can do this, but with each surge growing she may begin to doubt herself. Maybe she can't...maybe she doesn't want to. Why can't we just leave things the way they are? Why doesn't the baby just stay there safe within the womb? Why don't we just do this tomorrow? But time and nature have deemed that this moment is the proper moment and indeed there is no turning back. The mother gathers her strength and knows that this is the way it must be, the way she wants it to be. The baby must be born, or else, chas v'shalom, (G-d forbid), he will die.
It is the same when they grow up and leave for the first time. It is time, we all know that, for them to fly from the nest. But that separationion is painful. It leaves an emptiness that wasn't there before. I know it is what is right and I know, b'ezrat Hashem, it is for the good. It is as much a growing experience for me as it is for him, the letting go. I must grow now with my life changes. I must also grow in Torah and miztvot, just like him. I must keep my vision ahead of me and my eye to the future.
My son is laying a Torah foundation that he will build upon for the rest of his life. A Torah foundation I started but he must complete. A foundation that, b'ezrat Hashem, he will have for his own family and children, im yirtzeh Hashem.