My home is certainly bustling I must say. Bustling is a very polite word for what feels to me like a whole lot of chaos! Right before my children came home from Israel, we were given quite unexpectanly a foster son. It was an emergency so what could we do, obviously this was from G-d. He is a dear toddler, B"H, so it sure makes it easier. Our home is filled to what feels like capacity. My own children, a nephew here for the summer, my other baby nephew who comes once a month for a visit, and lots of people who float in and out, not to mention the dog and the cat.
Sometimes I have to tell you, it really gets to me. I feel quite overwhelmed at times. My home has always been a sanctuary for me, a place of refuge. I am feeling a little invaded right now. But what are my issues in the light of what is happening in my real Home? I am not living in a bomb shelter as my friends in Tsfat are. I did not have to leave my home as some of my other friends have had to do, traveling from family to family. So what am I complaining about? All the opportunities for mitzvot (acts of goodness and kindness) that Hashem has set before me? Rough life, huh? My children are, B"H, safe. We are all in one place. Sure things are tough...in fact they are downright squeezing the daylights out of me. Too many needs, not enough resources to fill them all. Somedays, I feel so spiritual and so close to G-d, on top of the world that nothing gets to me. Other days, fuhgetaboutit! I feel utterly alone. I know feelings are not facts, but being a very deeply feeling person, they can be pretty over powering. I don't feel like I have a haven, a refuge or a place to run.
I have to laugh now, as I just remembered two things I have learned and been reminded of recently. One was from a teaching of the Lubavitcher Rebbe (it may have been the previous one so forgive me all my beloved Chabad friends) and one from my own Rebbe. The Lubavitcher Rebbe asks what is the City of Refuge nowadays? Our City of Refuge is our Holy Torah. That is where we can run and hide. My own Rebbe tells me, "Never despair! Never lose hope! It's is forbidden to give up! Begin again! All beginnings are hard!"
Oy...did you ever just get so tired though? That is how I am feeling, really tired. Nonetheless, I know G-d is my strength and my stronghold. My Rock. I can hide in this Rock, or stand on it knowing either way I will be sheltered or held up. This is why tehillim (psalms) and our own personal prayer time are so important. They are truly like weapons in your hand, swords and arrows, helping you to fight in the battle. Helping you to win the real war, that we are constantly beign reminded is really a spiritual one.
Oy, Abba, help me to be a good soldier. I am so tired right now. You have given me so very much, too much that I can never begin to thank You for all the blessing and opportunity You have laid before me. But Abba, you know I am so small and I am only a child before you. I feel so overwhelmed, so weak and overpowered by all that is happening in my world and the world around me. I am so utterly ignorant of You Holy Ways, that I cannot even see what is truly before me, what the reality really is. Please help me, Abba. Forgive me where I have failed you. Forgive me where I have given up, throwing my hands in the air, running from the battle field. Forgive me where I have left my post unattended. Forgive me for not being so very careful with the many treasures you have given me. Oy, Abba, I do so love You and want to please You in all my ways. Please, Abba, stengthen me. Please help me to do real teshuva. Draw me so close to You. Help me to do all that I need to do, all that you have set before me to do and help me Abba, to do it with a heart filled with simcha (joy). Abba, help me to not despair, to never give up. Abba, help me today to begin again, knowing all beginnings are hard. Help me to beging today as if I have never begun before. Help me to turn to You and only You, knowing that You alone are ultimately there. Abba, please hold my hand. I need you so much.
I have a question. Or three.
9 months ago